


morgan//perseus

by penncaldwell



Series: letters from the forgotten [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: -Ish, Grieving, How Do I Tag, I'm publishing everything i wanted to say, Letters, Love Letters, Nonfiction, Other, Unrequited Love, all my friends have left me or are dead so, this is just how i cope, what else would I do
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28489287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penncaldwell/pseuds/penncaldwell
Summary: i write letters. well, i used to write letters, up until the point where i didn't have anyone to write those letters to anymore. and soon they turned from letters into things i could have said, or things i wanted to say, or things i still want to say today.letters to morgan. perseus is a nickname for the same person.
Series: letters from the forgotten [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2108172
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	1. morgan - one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first chapter! for the sake of privacy and respect, I am using the name 'morgan' for the name of the person that this is addressed to.

I was scared, okay? I was panicking and I didn't know what else to do. if I had died, I didn't want to remember all the times I fucked up and said the wrong thing, I just wanted you to have faith in me. and I prayed and hoped I would wake up and I felt everything and nothing at the same time and it was glorious and it was beautiful and it was the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced.  
and I swear to god, I'll never be happier than I was when I opened my eyes that morning and acted as nothing happened. and then I got through one day and I went to school and no one said anything and I didn't say anything all while it was eating away at me and I still haven't told anybody because I was so, so humiliated and embarrassed to tell anyone what happened because how could I have let something like that happen?

I was so scared. I felt so alone and I didn't know what else to do or who else to go to. it was the scariest moment of my life.

I don't expect you to ever see this or even read it but god, I'm so sorry. and don't ask what for because I don't know. that's the thing: I don't know what I did wrong and it haunts my every waking moment.  
and I feel like I'm scaring you away with every message I send and it sucks and I don't know what to say so I'll say this: I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anything or anyone and I love you in every way it is possible to and just in case what happened that night happens again, I don't want to die without you knowing that. and it doesn't matter if you don't feel the same way, I don't expect you to, and I really don't care at this point.  
these feelings and whatever the hell is going on right now is crushing me so hard and I can't fight it and I can't breathe.

sometimes I hate you. I fucking hate you so fucking much and I've fallen out with everyone I love and care about and I hate it so much and I hate myself for it and there have been countless sleepless nights just thinking god what the hell did I do? because I want to know so bad. I need to know.

it hurts. it hurts so bad. I don't want to die never knowing what I did wrong and what happened to you. to us. 

I was scared. it was the most fear I've ever felt in my life. it was real and it gripped me and it hasn't let go. Every minute of every single day, I replay that night in my head and I hate it. I don't want to see it again because every time I do, it hurts that much more.

I don't know what's going on anymore. you act like everything is normal and fine at school but you never text and we hardly talk anymore and I don't know why.

god, I'm so sick of this, just tell me what the fuck I did wrong! I can't, I can't lose my best friend again.

I thought I was going to die, okay? would you rather I have died? at least then you wouldn't have to deal with me. god, I fucking hate you.

I fucking hate you. What the hell is wrong with you? what the fuck is so wrong in your life that you had to take it out on me? and why me specifically? why me, the one who needed you the most. I needed you, and you left. you picked up your feelings and walked away, leaving me here, in shambles. god, fuck you, fuck you! It’s always been all about you, but you know what I need right now? I need my best friend back. I need you back.

you know, sometimes you make me wish I had died that night.

everything makes me think of you. of us.

Leave me the hell alone if that’s all you’re going to do. I don’t want that, I want you, the you I used to know, the you I fell in love with.

Standing next to you and all I want to do is turn you around and kiss you. I want to feel you and touch you and I want to want you. I want to kiss you under the blue lights and I want to feel a smile against my lips and I want to feel your hands in my hair and I want to pull away and feel your breath ghost across my cheek and I want to look at your flushed cheeks and kiss your lips until they’re swollen. And then I want to kiss your jaw and your neck and- and walk away, leaving you in pieces.

I’ve wanted plenty of things before, haven’t we all? but you, I’ve never wanted anything like I want you.

I can’t tell if I want to kiss you or hit you. both probably. oh, god I wish you’d let me do them both.

Get out of my head! I try to do anything and all I can think about is you, you, you.

I can finally listen to the song that played that night. I can listen to it without crying, even though tears prick at my eyes. I can listen to it without having a panic attack, or gripping my chest, or needing to make sure I’m still alive. Sometimes I do though. Sometimes I need to make sure I’m alive so I bite down on my finger, and I think the dent there won’t ever go away. Sometimes, I allow my feelings to spill out onto the floor while music pumps through my headphones so loud that I can’t hear anything else. Sometimes I let myself cry while I listen to that song and tears flow and I don’t make a sound. Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes. But all of the time, I think about how things could have gone so differently.

I’m not even sure I was ever in love with you. Those feelings left me so long ago and I can’t remember what it was like to feel them. Did I love you? Or did my brain just find a spark of happiness when I was with you and hold on to it and turn it into something it wasn’t.

I miss you. I miss you so damn much, every single day. I think about how things could have gone differently, how our relationship could have been something else, something more.

I still feel it, in my veins. I feel it when everyone’s voices sound like they’re a thousand miles away. I feel it when I close my eyes and lights flash behind my eyelids. I feel it when I look at my bookshelf and I just can’t read what the spines of the books say, no matter how close I get. I feel it when the world starts to spin because the lights are too bright. I feel it when people move too fast around me. I feel it when my breathing becomes laboured, when I hit my knuckles against anything that won’t be too loud, when soft, slender fingers lace with mine, and when smooth skin runs over mine. 

Sometimes I indulge in fantasies of us, scenes playing out in my head. There’s one in particular that I find myself returning to a lot of the time. It’s less a scene, more a still picture that comes to the front of my mind when I lay in bed at night.

Please don’t hate me.

You’re in my dreams again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this has been sitting in my phone's notes for god knows how long, so excuse the spacing. well, 'morgan', if you're reading this then uh hi! sorry about everything and now you know what happened that night.


	2. morgan - two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some more pieces from letters to 'morgan'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hah, okay, so if you know me irl, or you think you know who i am irl (bc penn isn't my real name), keep scrolling pLEASE. if i've ever talked to you about this person or you are this person, that would be... not fun for me so just don't read this. thank you!!
> 
> anyways if that doesn't apply to you, then enjoy i guess!

still, after everything, how can you do these things? i want to kiss that smug look right off your face. then a light, soft laugh falls from your mouth and i could just drown in it. in you.

you make me feel... so many things. cared about, and loved, and happy, so happy, and excited, and worth it.  
you make me feel wanted.

i want to make you feel the same way.

and then when i try to text you, you'll leave me on read for days on end and i'm really trying, i'm trying to put in effort, but i don't know what's going on with you, or with us.

you're so beautiful.

maybe you'd crumble under my gaze. i want to watch you crumble.

you are fire and i am not fireproof.

but I want you. 

so i feed the flames.

i burn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is very short, sorry about it. a lot of the letters and drabbles and things had a lot of really personal stuff which i may or may not ever post so, now you know
> 
> i also made a twitter, so if you want to follow me there, my user is penncaldwell!


	3. morgan - three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more pieces of letters to 'morgan'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologise that these are not in any real chronological order, it's been hell just finding them and typing them up.

I can be fine without you. 

Well, it's been a while. i'm doing okay, i guess. it's been a long month. I've felt really alone and isolated and i've been living in constant fear of seeing you anywhere because i would most likely do something i'd regret.

I had another dream where I saw you. it wasn't quite a pleasant dream but I got to see you, so how bad could it have been, really? I don't really remember much besides you. actually, that's a lie. I remember everything, but i wish i didn't because i see everything that happened whenever I close my eyes and it's absolutely terrifying. I know they're nightmares, I know they are, but if I say it out loud, it feels like i'm giving up and giving in.

did you ever have feelings for me? did you ever look at me the way i look at you now? did you have them and did they leave? it hurts to think that you could have been in this position before

you never said you loved me. you never said it back. why am i only realizing this now? you never reciprocated anything and you lied. why did you lie? why would you lie to me?

why did you do everything? you did so much that made me think that you felt the same way. did you mean to? was it all part of a plan? why, why why- why?

Why do you ignore my messages? No, I really just want to know, at this point, I don't even blame you, I just want to know why.

Has this all been a joke to you? Was any of it ever serious? or was it just some- some lonely game? Did you mean to hurt me? Did you want to cause these things to happen? Did you think- did you know that it would undo me like this?

I'm terrified of losing someone else the way I lost you, and god just the thought, just the slim chance of that happening again, it scares the absolute shit out of me. 

That's what my nightmares are about. Losing you.

can't get you off my mind. 

is this what i've been needing, what i've been aching for all this time? to force everything, every thought from the past two months out onto paper? because honestly, after countless hours of angry scribbling on any piece of paper i can find, i'm finally starting to feel better, to feel happier, to feel like i'm finally letting go.

i feel hollow. out of luck. out of time.

I feel it calling to me. wherever I am, it's there and it's pulling me towards it. It calls to me. every single day and i don't know how much longer I can ignore it. I have not listened, i have resisted, but for how much longer?  
it sounds like desire, like a challenge. it feels familiar.

I haven't seen you or heard from you in weeks now, and you're not here and I can't think, I can't breathe. I can't keep doing this.

I'm swallowing my pride and admitting I fucked up. I torched our relationship without necessarily meaning to, but it was still my fault, and I'm taking full responsibility. And now that- now that I can't talk to you, I find myself thinking on everything and forcing words out to you on any piece of paper I can find.

i never really knew what people meant when they said that their throat went dry, i mean sure, i've been so thirsty that my throat has been dry but I never experienced it when something happens or when i saw someone. until today, when i walked into that room, walked through those doors, and i saw you, i knew what everyone's talking about. my throat went dry and my vision went blurry and i froze and then i blinked and you were gone and i swear i've never, never once felt like that before.

i miss you. 

i get it if you were sick of me, if i were you I'd be sick of me too.

i was scared of getting hurt again, which honestly translates to almost every aspect of my life, but with you, i was scared of losing you, or hurting you. i know loss, I know how it feels and i did not want that with you. 

familiarity.  
it feels like I've done this all before, like I've been through this before.   
it's not a comforting familiarity, not the kind that is your soft bed after a long day or listening to your favorite song.  
it's sticky and thick and ugly and it's crushing me.

i get headaches a lot now. and i know, i know, what would make them go away, at least for a little while, but i'm scared I'll get out of control and go too far.

you can't just do that. you can't. i've spent weeks feeling disgusted with myself and countless nights crying because i thought i fucked everything up because you never said anything. so you can't just, just, just turn around and, and, and, and say that to me.

i want to apologise. i've been... horrible the past few weeks and months. i've been terrible to everyone i care about and i just want to say that i am so sorry. i don't know how to or even if i ever can make it up to you, or if this is where our paths diverge. but yeah, i am truly sorry.

you have no idea how much i want to text you but i'm so scared i'll just fuck everything up even more.

im giving myself the rest of the month and then its over. im not going to be so obsessed with you and all you do. im done with you after this.

i've written so much to you over the past few weeks, but i can't think of anything i want to say right now. 

i remember the day i realized i had feelings for you. it was a few days before the day i saw you in june. i told someone about them, i can't remember who. i talked about how i was excited to see you but i was scared i would fuck everything up. and when i did see you, my god, i felt everything tenfold.   
it was a good day. i wanted to kiss you for the first time on that day. your smile and your laugh were everything to me and i wanted to drown in them, in you.  
then july came and went and you started pulling away and you're further away now than you ever have been, but i think that's when it started, back in july. and i told you about my feelings around that time too. i think that's maybe why you pulled away. i'm really sorry about it. about everything. 

i don't feel much more than guilt these days. that sounds so sad, but it's true.


End file.
